I am so glad that someone is there to defend stealth, because I am aware that it needs defending, even though it isn't the choice I made, wasn't a choice particularly available to me. Sufficient of my own identity is invested in being totally out that I am aware of not always being entirely tolerant or sensible on the issue.
I started from the disadvantage of my quite considerable height, but also from what I wanted to do with my life, which was to write and review. I went to a university full of high-profile people, at which, in my earlier version, I had a reasonably high profile myself. As I have been known to remark, there was not much chance of my staying stealth unless I simply never wrote or published a word.
I was lucky in that my family were prepared to cope with this - I stayed away from a lot of the broader family for some years but actually that wasn't nearly as necessary as I thought. Those cousins etc. who cannot cope, never will - those who do, pretty much always did.
Apart from the practicality issues of my not being out, I had ethical concerns that derive from my Gay Liberation history and my feminism - it wasn't just about me. If we were going to resist the hostility within feminism, that had to come from some of us refusing to be ashamed. As I have got older and become aware of being, for some of my friends, a link with the quite distant past, I know that if I were not out, it would be harder for me to be a resource and support. Also, increasingly, I am fascinated by the question of whether or not there are particular creative habits among trans people caused by our need to be mindful and self-monitoring both before the decision to transition when we have to try to stay plausibly in our previous role, and during a life-time of transition when we are unlearning some of those habits and watching ourselves for signs of self-hatred.
And for heavens' sake, 'trans' is so far from being the only thing about me that is relevant - when I get interviewed about my work, it is something the relevance of which I have occasionally to stress.
I feel for your concern and pain, but, you know, what other people know, think or don't accept is so much less important than feeling right with yourself.
no subject
I started from the disadvantage of my quite considerable height, but also from what I wanted to do with my life, which was to write and review. I went to a university full of high-profile people, at which, in my earlier version, I had a reasonably high profile myself. As I have been known to remark, there was not much chance of my staying stealth unless I simply never wrote or published a word.
I was lucky in that my family were prepared to cope with this - I stayed away from a lot of the broader family for some years but actually that wasn't nearly as necessary as I thought. Those cousins etc. who cannot cope, never will - those who do, pretty much always did.
Apart from the practicality issues of my not being out, I had ethical concerns that derive from my Gay Liberation history and my feminism - it wasn't just about me. If we were going to resist the hostility within feminism, that had to come from some of us refusing to be ashamed. As I have got older and become aware of being, for some of my friends, a link with the quite distant past, I know that if I were not out, it would be harder for me to be a resource and support. Also, increasingly, I am fascinated by the question of whether or not there are particular creative habits among trans people caused by our need to be mindful and self-monitoring both before the decision to transition when we have to try to stay plausibly in our previous role, and during a life-time of transition when we are unlearning some of those habits and watching ourselves for signs of self-hatred.
And for heavens' sake, 'trans' is so far from being the only thing about me that is relevant - when I get interviewed about my work, it is something the relevance of which I have occasionally to stress.
I feel for your concern and pain, but, you know, what other people know, think or don't accept is so much less important than feeling right with yourself.